?

I feel there has been a fundamental change in my mental and moral constitution - a change born out of a clash of ideas and a churning of thoughts. I don't know if that has had some manifestation in my demeanour but the change has been so perceptible to me that i have almost seen it happen.
One feeling that has deserted me of late is nervousness. Whether it's a new mission that i choose to undertake or a gamble that I venture into knowing the high stakes involved or some loss - real or perceived - that would have otherwise brought me despair, the butterflies in my stomach are conspicuously missing. It's not conscious optimism or logical reasoning that has resulted in such a change. That would have been understandable and admirable. Rather it's due to an intuitive mechanism the existence of which was hitherto unknown to me.
But am I leading my life in gay abandon? No, absolutely not. The nervousness in me has given way to a feeling of constantly being on the edge. I'm not frightened, but I can't be free of concerns.
My mind right now is a bundle of contradictions and conflicting emotions. Every moment I'm pulled in different directions. Every decision I take is the result of a long drawn-out mental struggle.
I need to know what drives me these days and what ought to drive me.